A Culinary Collaboration
by We Thought It'd Be Funny
Summary: Flynn's cooking was always hit or miss, always up to chance, but when he's working together with Raine Sage, the results become more predictable, more dangerous than any old game of dice. And unfortunately, the guests of this "dinner" have bet their stomachs. Oh boy.


Before we begin, I need to do my good deed for the day.

Warning: The following dish was made by two complete culinary imbeciles. Replication and consumption of the dish in this story is neither condoned or encouraged by We Thought It'd Be Funny, or anybody who had attended the dinner that night. Seriously. If you do it, you'll probably die. Scratch that, you will. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME! ALL CHARACTERS PARTICIPATING IN THIS TALE ARE ADEQUATELY PROTECTED BY PLOT ARMOR! **YOU WILL DIE!**

This little disaster scenario wormed its way into my head after I compared two of the awful chefs in the Tales series.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you: Flynn Scifo and Raine Sage.

Cooking dinner together.

Also, I find it prudent to admit that a good deal of inspiration (mostly for Flynn's characterization and cooking skill) came from Fairy Tales and Brave Vesperia by Sylph Writer. Check it out. It's really cool.

I do not own either Tales of Vesperia or Tales of Symphonia.

Sincerely,

-Funny

* * *

"Well, one thing I know about a good meal is that it needs to have a bit of kick to it! Could you look for some red satay, Mr. Scifo?"

"Of course, but I wonder If that might counteract the sweetness of the grapes."

"Hmm. You may be right. Perhaps some sugar, to accentuate it…?"

"Of course! Why didn't I think of that?"

"Just bring it over here… Mr. Scifo, are those…?"

"Yes, these avocados will supply them with healthy, vital nutrients. Your brother is a growing boy, after all."

"Marvelous! Just set them in here… And now I believe we should boil the ingredients."

"If we do that, the nutrients in the spinach might be lost. Why don't we mash them up?"

"Of course! Thank you for agreeing to help me, Mr. Scifo."

"Please, just Flynn will do, Miss Sage."

"Very well then. Now, where is that fork…?"

* * *

Yuri Lowell kept his left hand firmly over his mouth to prevent the bile swimming around in it from leaving. He was standing just outside the kitchen doorway, as he knew his friend would always be a more lethal chef than swordsman. He swallowed, banishing the bile with a shudder, and looking over to the happy group sitting away from him. Everyone was getting along so well.

As he shuddered again at the inhuman sounds coming out of the kitchen, the swordsman decided that ignorance truly was bliss.

"Is something wrong, Yuri? You look a little pale."

Yuri looked over to the concerned face of Lloyd Irving. He stared at Lloyd, and wondered how to tell this boy that they'd all be stone dead by the end of the night.

"Our dinner." Yuri replied simply.

"Ah, well, your friend Flynn is in there, right? So things can't go too bad." Lloyd grinned at the thought of it.

Yuri fidgeted, and Lloyd became a whole lot less comfortable.

"R-right…?"

"Have you ever had a friend who just absolutely loves doing something to death, and you just can't bring yourself to tell him that he sucks at it?"

Lloyd didn't reply. He did decide to go a rather unnatural sheet white color, though.

"Look at it this way…" Yuri chuckled nervously, retching at a noise that defied all attempts of onomatopoeia- coming from the kitchen, of course. "…at least we aren't going alone."

Which really did little to comfort the now shaking teen.

* * *

"Dinner is served!"

Flynn beamed at the surprised faces all around the hall, marveling at the expressions on everyone's faces. He stood there, smiling alongside Raine as they both looked expectantly at the many faces at the table, who had taken on expressions that they deemed as pleasant surprise.

Really, it was pure terror.

"W…What are they e-exactly?" Karol managed to stammer out of his chattering teeth.

"Well, Miss Sage said we should make a meat dish- Sloppy Joes, to be precise- but I thought that might not have been nutritious for all of us after our hard work, so we mixed in a bit of a healthy mixture into the meat. We call them Vita-Joes." he said, beaming.

At once, Lloyd could see what Yuri meant. He seemed too proud of his handiwork to be told that the things in front of them all should have been thrown into the nearest pit of lava.

Though it'd probably contaminate the lava, come to think of it.

"They… They look… D-delicious, you two!" Colette managed to stammer out before nervously reaching out a hand to the Vita-Joe.

Regal picked his up, his mouth set into a grim line. Everyone watched in horror as he took a large bite out of his Vita-Joe.

He let out a muffled scream, which was thankfully interpreted as a "Yum!" by the two chefs.

"Do you like it?" Flynn asked, practically bouncing on his feet.

Regal slowly nodded, not trusting his own mouth as he swallowed the disgusting "food".

Emboldened by Regal's attempt, Estelle took her gloves off and picked up the Vita-Joe. She made the mistake of looking directly into it, seeing the horrid blend of green and brown that was between the two buns.

She took a breath, braced herself and attacked the "sandwich".

At first, she was fighting a losing battle, trying to eat as much of it as possible without choking, or, more importantly, letting any of it so much as touch a taste bud. Then, she simply ate as fast as she could, resigning herself to her fate.

_Flynn just looked so happy! _She thought through the blinding agony she was putting herself through.

She began to take massive gulps of her water after she was done- hoping to cleanse her mouth of the terror that she had just ate- but in one final act of defiance, the Vita-Joe's taste remained, a permanent blight on her memory.

Everyone struggled trough their meal, all silently agreeing that the horrid… _things_… probably didn't taste any better cold.

* * *

After the "dinner" Raine and Flynn went back to clean up in the kitchen, flushed with victory, leaving everyone else to deal with their stomachs. Karol actually threw up, and had to have a good First Aid cast on him, courtesy of Zelos, who was feeling particularly generous tonight. Staring death in the face would do that to you.

Estelle ran into the bathroom and threw up after Karol, and Lloyd stayed back to hold her hair. She thanked him, and went to her room after casting Nurse and Recover on them all, and taking a glass of water to bed.

The two lethal chefs simply hummed in the kitchen, flushed with victory, sharing a celebratory high-five, a habit Flynn picked up from Estelle. They were both sorry that they didn't get a bite. Everyone else seemed to enjoy it. Again, in this case, ignorance was truly bliss.

It was the worst night, but it was also the best night. Strange, that.

* * *

Seriously, DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!

I hope I got everybody's characters right.

Review, Please. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

-Funny


End file.
